The Aliens in the Cupboard

Me: Thank God your awake! I’ve been up since 6:30!
Ro: It’s 6:45, Drew.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Ro: Okay, I’m ready to get up. It’s coffee time.
Me: Oh, so you are going to go make us coffee?
Ro: UM.
Me: But RO! You don’t understand!
Ro: Understand what?
Me: *whispering* THEY are in the kitchen…
Ro: They who?
Me: The aliens.
Ro: Jeesh…
Me: I know you didn’t believe me when I said if I get out of bed, the hot lava will quite possibly incinerate my legs to cinder. And I realize you didn’t buy the story about being possibly eaten by the carpet sharks, but for reals.
There are two aliens! They live in our kitchen cupboard next to the Keurig! Don’t make me go in there!
Ro: *blank stare*
Me: *whispering* They will do experiments on me. Sexual ones. With x-rays and Neil Diamond music.
Ro: What? Neil Diamond!?
Me: Yes, they live in the salt and pepper shaker and are obsessed with Neil Diamond.
Ro: Sweet Caroline!?
Me: Of course. So if you hear a faint “They’re coming to America wafting through the apartment by way of the kitchen, you know it’s Marley and Ethel, the aliens that live in the salt and pepper shakers.


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